One Year...

I'm going to try to make this a short blog because it's late and Joey wants to go to bed, but I wanted to remember this feeling. Today my niece Hannah was born. She weighed 6lbs 13.5 oz and was 19" long-Almost exactly like Evelyn (she was 6lbs 14oz 19.5") I held her and she was so light! Evelyn is 13lbs now so to be it was a big difference. My other niece Alyssa was born 2 weeks ago at 32 weeks gestation (she is doing well, but, please, keep her in your prayers). So all the babies have been born. When I was holding Hannah it hit me. Today is October 17th and it was exactly one year ago today that I found out I was pregnant. I remember taking that test first thing in the morning and being so happy I literally jumped up and down! And it was exactly one year and 1 day ago that I thought I would never have a child. I remember praying and praying and feeling that maybe I would be a bad mother. I thought maybe God was telling me that I shouldn't be a mother. I remember the moment I gave it all to God. I was alone at home and hysterically crying and praying. I told God I was ready to let it go and trust that He would take care of me. It was roughly a month later that I found myself looking at those 2 lines on the test. It has been an amazing journey and so much has changed in the last year. God has blessed us in so many ways. Now that we are having a difficult time I find myself filled with fear and worry, but then I look at my beautiful daughter and I know God is with me and that all I have to do it give it to Him. God answers prayers. I just thought I would share.

Nite Nite...

So I've really been trying to make sure Evelyn has good sleep habits. Every kid has their stages where they can't sleep or they don't want to sleep, but I just wanted to make sure she has good sleep habits so that it would be easier to deal with those stages. Also I figure since I am home right now I better take advantage of it and if we have a bad night I can try to catch up on sleep the next day. The ultimate goal was to be able to get her to go to sleep by herself without needing us to rock her or feed her. So after a little trial and error we have a sold bedtime routine (so far!)

First Evelyn gets her bath. She LOVES her baths! When we fill her little tub she lets her legs float and she splashes around. I put her rubber ducky on her belly and she just gets a kick out of it! She even loves getting her hair washed. It is a fun time for all! After her bath she gets a rubdown with some sleepy time lotion. I always heard of the benefits of baby massage, but it is amazing how much it calms her down. After she gets her jammies on, she gets her hair brushed. It is hit or missed with brushing her hair. Sometimes it seems to soothe her and other times she yells at me to just leave it alone. (One of her traits she gets from mommy) After her hair is all brushed, we have a little cuddle time. I like to rock her for a little while as long as she is awake. Then she gets put in her crib. I give her the pacifier. I have some reservations about the pacifier because I don't want her to become too dependent on it, but so far when she wakes in the midde of the night and it's not in her mouth she can sill put herself to sleep. I hope that continues. Anyway, she has her pacifier and I read a book to her. She gets so quiet and just listens contently. It is so cute. She even looks at the pictures and then looks over at me when she is finished with that page. After her book I give her a kidd, turn on her baby glow worm so she has some light, turn off the other lights, and leave the room. I hear her talk to her glow worm for a little bit and then she is out! This is one of the most precious moments of the day!

My other favorite time of the day is getting her up in the morning. I hear her play for a little bit so I go in there to get her. I sneak up on her crib and when she notices me she SO SO SO excited! She giggles and squirms! I pick her up and we just hug each other! It makes me smile just to think about it!

I just wanted to share our bedtime routine. I love that precious girl so much! I hear her talking so that means it's time for mommy to go get her! I'll leave you with the beautiful smile I love so much!

I think we should tell each other...

This comes from an old episode of Desperate Housewives. So if you know the show you might know the story, but if you don't, here is a rundown. Lynette is a say at home mom with 4 kids, twin 6 years olds, one 5 year old and one infant. She is completely overwhelmed and started taking ADD medication to get through the day. Once she is hooked on them she realized there is a problem and breaks down. Her friends come to her rescue and she tells them that she feels like she can't take it and she is a terrible mother especially since her friends are perfect mothers with perfect children. Her friends then tell her about all the times they felt that way and how horrible it can feel sometimes when you are a new mother or even if you are a seasoned mother. Lynette tells them that she never knew that about them and it is her belief that they should start telling each other these things. This is my belief, too. I think we are all going through or have gone through the same thing, but at one point or another we think that we are alone. A lot of times this comes with shame or guilt. I know as a new mother I often feel like I don't measure up to the name Mother in comparison to my amazing friends. It may be irrational, but it is a very real feeling.

One of the reasons we are having a hard time is the me working issue. On the one hand I wanted to stay home with Evelyn. I wanted to be able to stay home and take care of my family. It was so important to me to be able to cook and clean and spend extra time with Evelyn and my future children, but we just can't afford it. I am willing to make sacrifices to make this happen, but the sacrifices I would have to make mean turning off the Internet, cable, house phone, cutting back our already small cellphone plan and dealing with a hot house in the summer and a cold house in the winter. Yes I would be able to stay home but that is not a great life for Evelyn and there is no guarantee that that would even be enough. So it just makes me sick to even think of ourselves in this situation. So much so that I have become almost paralyzed by all my thoughts. I am so overwhelmed that I can hardly take the time to clean and cook and do all the things that were so important to me except for playing and teaching Evelyn. That is the highlight of my life. (I love that little monkey!) So then one can argue is it really best for my family for me to stay home. OK so I have to go back to work. I've been looking for a while, but have yet to find something. So it sees pretty obvious that I need to go back to work, but that is so hard too. When I go back all those things I wanted for my family go away. The money situation gets taken care of and I will finally be able to take care of everything without worry, but I will be working so I will still need to take some time while I am at home to do the cooking and cleaning. That means less time playing with Evelyn and spending family time together. Then there is the part where Evelyn will have to spend her days with someone else. This is going to be the hardest part. I don't want her to be sad when she is without me because i want her to have fun, but it will break my heart to know she is excited to be away from me. I know every mother has to deal with this, but why does everyone just play it off as something you get emotional about and then get over. It is so heartbreaking.

Then again there is fear that I won't get a job (I have an interview this Thursday) because if I don't then I won't be able to provide for my child. I know she is getting everything she needs, but it is so heartbreaking to know that if I don't find something we wouldn't be able to give her a Christmas. As an infant she won't need a lot of toys, but it is the principle of the matter.

This is one of the issues that has made things hard for our family right now and I hope it is one that will be resolved soon for my sanity sake. I know I am not the only one who has ever felt this way, but it seems like we are all so afraid to say anything. Maybe it is because we are ashamed. I know I feel pretty ashamed being a college graduate who has always been described as responsible who can't even provide for her child. Maybe it is just because we don't want to bring the people around us down with sob stories. I am not sure what the reason is, but I know that all the silence tends to make everyone feel very alone and I don't think any of us should feel alone.

So this was a long, emotional, sometimes irrational rant of a blog that just has one basic theme: I think we should tell each other these things.

Isn't it funny how I only blog once a month or so, but when I do blog I tend to do two or more at a time? I will try to be better!

And here is another picture of random cuteness because she makes me smile and how could you not? She is precious! Here is my little girl in her jammies before bed!

4 Month Check up

I haven't posted in so long and I would like to say that I am going to get better at it, but I probably won't. Frankly the our little family has been having a difficult time lately for a couple of reasons and I find that I don't have the time or the frame of mind to write a blog, but I am going to try to keep it up.

So Evelyn had her 4 month check up and it was so bittersweet! She is SO big now and she amazes me everyday! I was so sure she was going to be an easy 15lbs, but this time she weighed in at 13lbs 4oz and she was 23 3/4" long. Still a little less than 50th percentile, but when i look at her she is my little chunky monkey!

This is her before our appointment. Isn't she cute! I was concerned that Evelyn wasn't getting enough fluids because since I have been pumping she has only taken about 16-20 ounces a day. It has worked out because that is all that I have been able to make in a day, but it still seemed like not enough. Basically the doctor said that if she won't take anymore than I really can't force her, but I need to start her on a multi-vitamin. Then she gave us the OK on solid foods. So I made some sweet potatoes and squash and we decided to start with the sweet potatoes. We got some great video of it, but here are a few pictures. At first she was a little confused, but then she LOVED them! Now she opens her mouth like a little bird just waiting for her new foods!

She also got some shots, but she took them like a champ! Her little legs still have bruises on them, but other than that she is perfect and had a great appointment! While the doctor and I were talking the doctor was running her fingers through Evelyn's hair and then she told me what I already knew! She said she sees babies all day long and that I had one beautiful baby! We both kind of laughed because I can't help but do the same thing. I find myself just running my fingers through her hair and just stare at her. I just love my baby girl!

Here is just another shot of random cuteness!