One Year...

I'm going to try to make this a short blog because it's late and Joey wants to go to bed, but I wanted to remember this feeling. Today my niece Hannah was born. She weighed 6lbs 13.5 oz and was 19" long-Almost exactly like Evelyn (she was 6lbs 14oz 19.5") I held her and she was so light! Evelyn is 13lbs now so to be it was a big difference. My other niece Alyssa was born 2 weeks ago at 32 weeks gestation (she is doing well, but, please, keep her in your prayers). So all the babies have been born. When I was holding Hannah it hit me. Today is October 17th and it was exactly one year ago today that I found out I was pregnant. I remember taking that test first thing in the morning and being so happy I literally jumped up and down! And it was exactly one year and 1 day ago that I thought I would never have a child. I remember praying and praying and feeling that maybe I would be a bad mother. I thought maybe God was telling me that I shouldn't be a mother. I remember the moment I gave it all to God. I was alone at home and hysterically crying and praying. I told God I was ready to let it go and trust that He would take care of me. It was roughly a month later that I found myself looking at those 2 lines on the test. It has been an amazing journey and so much has changed in the last year. God has blessed us in so many ways. Now that we are having a difficult time I find myself filled with fear and worry, but then I look at my beautiful daughter and I know God is with me and that all I have to do it give it to Him. God answers prayers. I just thought I would share.

Nite Nite...

So I've really been trying to make sure Evelyn has good sleep habits. Every kid has their stages where they can't sleep or they don't want to sleep, but I just wanted to make sure she has good sleep habits so that it would be easier to deal with those stages. Also I figure since I am home right now I better take advantage of it and if we have a bad night I can try to catch up on sleep the next day. The ultimate goal was to be able to get her to go to sleep by herself without needing us to rock her or feed her. So after a little trial and error we have a sold bedtime routine (so far!)

First Evelyn gets her bath. She LOVES her baths! When we fill her little tub she lets her legs float and she splashes around. I put her rubber ducky on her belly and she just gets a kick out of it! She even loves getting her hair washed. It is a fun time for all! After her bath she gets a rubdown with some sleepy time lotion. I always heard of the benefits of baby massage, but it is amazing how much it calms her down. After she gets her jammies on, she gets her hair brushed. It is hit or missed with brushing her hair. Sometimes it seems to soothe her and other times she yells at me to just leave it alone. (One of her traits she gets from mommy) After her hair is all brushed, we have a little cuddle time. I like to rock her for a little while as long as she is awake. Then she gets put in her crib. I give her the pacifier. I have some reservations about the pacifier because I don't want her to become too dependent on it, but so far when she wakes in the midde of the night and it's not in her mouth she can sill put herself to sleep. I hope that continues. Anyway, she has her pacifier and I read a book to her. She gets so quiet and just listens contently. It is so cute. She even looks at the pictures and then looks over at me when she is finished with that page. After her book I give her a kidd, turn on her baby glow worm so she has some light, turn off the other lights, and leave the room. I hear her talk to her glow worm for a little bit and then she is out! This is one of the most precious moments of the day!

My other favorite time of the day is getting her up in the morning. I hear her play for a little bit so I go in there to get her. I sneak up on her crib and when she notices me she SO SO SO excited! She giggles and squirms! I pick her up and we just hug each other! It makes me smile just to think about it!

I just wanted to share our bedtime routine. I love that precious girl so much! I hear her talking so that means it's time for mommy to go get her! I'll leave you with the beautiful smile I love so much!

I think we should tell each other...

This comes from an old episode of Desperate Housewives. So if you know the show you might know the story, but if you don't, here is a rundown. Lynette is a say at home mom with 4 kids, twin 6 years olds, one 5 year old and one infant. She is completely overwhelmed and started taking ADD medication to get through the day. Once she is hooked on them she realized there is a problem and breaks down. Her friends come to her rescue and she tells them that she feels like she can't take it and she is a terrible mother especially since her friends are perfect mothers with perfect children. Her friends then tell her about all the times they felt that way and how horrible it can feel sometimes when you are a new mother or even if you are a seasoned mother. Lynette tells them that she never knew that about them and it is her belief that they should start telling each other these things. This is my belief, too. I think we are all going through or have gone through the same thing, but at one point or another we think that we are alone. A lot of times this comes with shame or guilt. I know as a new mother I often feel like I don't measure up to the name Mother in comparison to my amazing friends. It may be irrational, but it is a very real feeling.

One of the reasons we are having a hard time is the me working issue. On the one hand I wanted to stay home with Evelyn. I wanted to be able to stay home and take care of my family. It was so important to me to be able to cook and clean and spend extra time with Evelyn and my future children, but we just can't afford it. I am willing to make sacrifices to make this happen, but the sacrifices I would have to make mean turning off the Internet, cable, house phone, cutting back our already small cellphone plan and dealing with a hot house in the summer and a cold house in the winter. Yes I would be able to stay home but that is not a great life for Evelyn and there is no guarantee that that would even be enough. So it just makes me sick to even think of ourselves in this situation. So much so that I have become almost paralyzed by all my thoughts. I am so overwhelmed that I can hardly take the time to clean and cook and do all the things that were so important to me except for playing and teaching Evelyn. That is the highlight of my life. (I love that little monkey!) So then one can argue is it really best for my family for me to stay home. OK so I have to go back to work. I've been looking for a while, but have yet to find something. So it sees pretty obvious that I need to go back to work, but that is so hard too. When I go back all those things I wanted for my family go away. The money situation gets taken care of and I will finally be able to take care of everything without worry, but I will be working so I will still need to take some time while I am at home to do the cooking and cleaning. That means less time playing with Evelyn and spending family time together. Then there is the part where Evelyn will have to spend her days with someone else. This is going to be the hardest part. I don't want her to be sad when she is without me because i want her to have fun, but it will break my heart to know she is excited to be away from me. I know every mother has to deal with this, but why does everyone just play it off as something you get emotional about and then get over. It is so heartbreaking.

Then again there is fear that I won't get a job (I have an interview this Thursday) because if I don't then I won't be able to provide for my child. I know she is getting everything she needs, but it is so heartbreaking to know that if I don't find something we wouldn't be able to give her a Christmas. As an infant she won't need a lot of toys, but it is the principle of the matter.

This is one of the issues that has made things hard for our family right now and I hope it is one that will be resolved soon for my sanity sake. I know I am not the only one who has ever felt this way, but it seems like we are all so afraid to say anything. Maybe it is because we are ashamed. I know I feel pretty ashamed being a college graduate who has always been described as responsible who can't even provide for her child. Maybe it is just because we don't want to bring the people around us down with sob stories. I am not sure what the reason is, but I know that all the silence tends to make everyone feel very alone and I don't think any of us should feel alone.

So this was a long, emotional, sometimes irrational rant of a blog that just has one basic theme: I think we should tell each other these things.

Isn't it funny how I only blog once a month or so, but when I do blog I tend to do two or more at a time? I will try to be better!

And here is another picture of random cuteness because she makes me smile and how could you not? She is precious! Here is my little girl in her jammies before bed!

4 Month Check up

I haven't posted in so long and I would like to say that I am going to get better at it, but I probably won't. Frankly the our little family has been having a difficult time lately for a couple of reasons and I find that I don't have the time or the frame of mind to write a blog, but I am going to try to keep it up.

So Evelyn had her 4 month check up and it was so bittersweet! She is SO big now and she amazes me everyday! I was so sure she was going to be an easy 15lbs, but this time she weighed in at 13lbs 4oz and she was 23 3/4" long. Still a little less than 50th percentile, but when i look at her she is my little chunky monkey!

This is her before our appointment. Isn't she cute! I was concerned that Evelyn wasn't getting enough fluids because since I have been pumping she has only taken about 16-20 ounces a day. It has worked out because that is all that I have been able to make in a day, but it still seemed like not enough. Basically the doctor said that if she won't take anymore than I really can't force her, but I need to start her on a multi-vitamin. Then she gave us the OK on solid foods. So I made some sweet potatoes and squash and we decided to start with the sweet potatoes. We got some great video of it, but here are a few pictures. At first she was a little confused, but then she LOVED them! Now she opens her mouth like a little bird just waiting for her new foods!

She also got some shots, but she took them like a champ! Her little legs still have bruises on them, but other than that she is perfect and had a great appointment! While the doctor and I were talking the doctor was running her fingers through Evelyn's hair and then she told me what I already knew! She said she sees babies all day long and that I had one beautiful baby! We both kind of laughed because I can't help but do the same thing. I find myself just running my fingers through her hair and just stare at her. I just love my baby girl!

Here is just another shot of random cuteness!

Tooth Fairy here we come!

My baby girl is now 3 months old and is no longer considered a newborn. She is now an infant. I spent a couple of hours the other day going through her clothes and putting up the ones that no longer fit her and, yes, I did it in tears! I can't believe how much she has changed and how fast it has happened. In a blink of an eye she is turning into her own little person! YIKES! Well the newest occurrence was a bit of a shock and was very sad to me!

Last Sunday we went to church with my grandparents in Sweeny. It was my grandmama's birthday and we thought we would spend some time with her. The week before Evelyn was so good during church services and we thought we would give her another change. So we are sitting in church and singing (which Evelyn loves!) and she start to get fussy. Joey gives her the pacifier and she spits it out so he gives it to her again and again she spits it out. I look over and she is so desperate to get that pacifier that she is just shoving the closest thing in her mouth which was the burp cloth. I started to get irritated at Joey for not making sure she was able to keep her pacifier, but then we I started to really look at her I noticed something. She was intentionally spitting out the pacifier and she wasn't sucking on the burp cloth, she was rubbing her gums on it. My brain immediately runs through everything I read about teething. It was too soon. She wasn't even 3 full months yet! Joey tells me he is going to take her out to the foyer and calm her down. I was only half listening because I was still thinking, but I gave him a little nod and he left. Then I realized I still had her blanket and it is very cold in that church. So I go out to the foyer and I see Evelyn sitting on Joey's lap with his finger in her mouth. He sees me and says "guess what?" My eyes got huge and all I could say was "NO!" (If you are a FRIENDS fan then I would describe the moment like when Ross goes to the B&B with Emily and calls the next day and Rachael hears it for the first time. If you aren't a FRIENDS fan then disregard!) So of course I run to her and feel her gums. Sure enough she has a little sharp bump in the front and as soon as I touche it, Evelyn clamped down and started rubbing her gums on me. I was in complete shock and yes I started crying (I do that a lot!) I told Joey it was impossible! I started teething at 7 months. I made him text his mom to see when he started to teeth and you guessed it... 3 months! My baby girl is getting her first tooth. Now I know it could take a while for it to actually pop out, but still, it is on it's way and all I can do it just hang on for the ride!

So now I am going to leave you with some more pictures of my baby girl who will be my big girl all too soon! (I guess I was wrong on my last blog... Evelyn did sleep long enough for me to write two in one day! WOW!)

Been a long time!

I have not blogged in such a long time! I think I may have forgotten how to do it! At the very least I may not get is finished before Evelyn wakes up, but I'll try.

The main reason I have not blogged is because Evelyn won't let me! For the last 4 weeks she has refused to nap. She will gladly go to bed and when she wakes up in the middle of the night she puts her self back to sleep, but she wouldn't nap. It was the hardest thing to see her eyes swollen and red, her crying and cranky, but fighting sleep all day long! I finally decided to start getting her to sleep by letting her fall asleep on my tummy and then putting her in bed. So far so good (it's only been 3 days). That is how we got her to sleep through the night. First we let her sleep on us all night so that she got use to sleeping that long and then we started putting her in her crib and voila! I know that is hardly the "recommended" way to do it, but it works for her (I hope).

She is such a different little girl now! She loves to smile and giggle, but only if SHE wants to! She has such a personality. Lately she has started letting her tongue hang out of her mouth like a puppy, but she knows the camera because every time I get it to take a picture she puts that tongue back in her mouth and glares at me! I guess she hates camera like her mama! Another thing she has started doing is crossing her eyes. Every time she gets a bottle or sucks on her pacifier she wants to stare at it and thus crossing her eyes. She is so cute!

I caught a glimpse of her tongue as she was trying to put it back in! She is sneaky, but sometimes mommy is sneakier!

Her reflux is getting so much better, too. She still spits up, but it no longer hurts her and it isn't as often. The trick has been adding cereal to every feeding. There was a good things and a 'difficult' thing about that. Since she was born I have been trying to exclusively breastfeed without success. I just never made enough and I did not have the time or help to try to build a supply. With the cereal I don't have to make as much because it fills her up longer. So the difficult part is that I have become an exclusive pumper. That means I am having to pump constantly so that I can give her breast milk in a bottle. That is very time consuming, but the great thing is that she is only on breast milk now (except for 1/2-1oz. of formula she gets before bed). It was so important for me to be able to give my child breast milk and now it is happening. The even better part is that I am building my supply back up and the doctor said that once she grows out of the reflux I should be able to nurse her on my own AND since I still nurse her sometimes I can see that having the bottle has not affected her ability to nurse! YEAH!

I just can't believe how much I love this little girl! I am so blessed to be able to spend my days with her. We are still trying to figure out the me not working thing. I was going to see about being a substitute for a while to make extra money, but the women who was going to watch Evelyn gave me a call and said she couldn't do it right now. So that means I can't work right now, but I am trying to just hand it over to God and not worry about it. I always wanted to be able to stay home with my child and even though financially it isn't the best time, I have to just enjoy my time with her.

I'm going to try to write another blog today about the most recent even in Evelyn's life, but if I don't get a chance, I will tomorrow.

I have to loosen up!

The last few days have been so difficult around here and it ended with me telling Joey that I don't want to ever leave the house! Bad things happen when I leave the house! Last weekend was great! We went to dinner with friends and we even had a chance to take a nap after church... all three of us!

See how cute she was for dinner? She even had little shoes on!

Monday was going to be a great day too! I was planning on going out with some friends of mine for a girl's day out! We were going to go to lunch and a movie. My mom wanted to watch Evelyn so it all worked out!

We went to lunch and it felt good to just get out of the house and to be able to just eat lunch and not have to worry about Evelyn. We had just bought our tickets for the movie when my mom called. She said the A/C wasn't working. It was 88 in the house and Evelyn was getting too hot! We just had a new unit put in less than a month ago! Well since I was riding with three other people I was stuck, but my mom said she would take Evelyn to her house and I could just pick her up later. We saw Funny People which we assumed was a comedy so we thought it would last abot and hour and a half. My mom called me again and the baby was crying. My mom said she wouldn't take her bottle. She was just letting it run down her face and she wouldn't stop crying. It was awful! I couldn't get to my daughter and she was upset! Needless to say I couldn't enjoy the movie which was over 2 hours by the way! We ended up leaving before it was over. We had to get back! Traffic was terrible and it took so long to get home that Joey beat us home and he picked up the baby. The house was so hot and when he brought the baby home she was so worn out from crying all day. Joey tried to feed her and again she wouldn't eat. By then I was so overwhelmed I began to cry a little. Then joey realized why Evelyn was crying. The nipple on the bottle was a fast flow nipple. It was too much for her and she was choking on it. Then I burst into tears because I let it happen. It was an awful night! I felt so guilty! It was an honest mistake and there was no real harm done, but just felt like a terrible mother! I couldn't believe how upset I was.

Then yesterday I was trying to get to my mom's house because she was going to Evelyn's appointment with me. I had to turn around to get her shot record and the car died 6 times when I tried to leave the second time. Of course this was infront of about 5 landscape workers at my neighbor's house! Then the baby gets her shots! Then when she starts to get sick in the afternoon I was at my mom's and didn't have the baby Tylenol which doesn't sound like a big deal but Evelyn had a fever and she was in pain and screaming! What made it worse is that my mom put the Tylenol in the diaperbag and I took it out without paying attention. My mom had to run the store to get more. Then I had to be back at home for when the A/C guy came by, but since the baby was so upset I stayed at my mom's and she waited at my house for him. Of course the guy was 2 HOURS late! By the time my mom got back to her house she was in a lot of pain and the baby was worn out and I was getting a migraine!

See why I never want to leave the house again!?

I knew I would love Evelyn the moment I saw her, but I was not prepared for how much I wanted to make things perfect for her. I especially was not prepared for how awful I would feel when things weren't perfect. Based on all the stories I have heard from friends and family, mixing up the bottle nipple is NOTHING! I was shocked by some of the mistakes that were made, but all their children are alright. My mom keeps telling me that you just have to learn as you go along and realize that things won't always be perfect. Now my goal is to just relax and let the mistakes happen. Each mistake is just another lesson I am learning. I wonder if I can loosen up and really do that!